Thursday, October 30, 2014

Allergic to Exercise...

As you can probably suspect, working out at 255 pounds isn't easy. I was genetically blessed with giant boobs, child bearing hips and enormous thunder thighs...sounds fun, right?! Not so Much...

But I know that in order for it to get easier I have to push through my barriers and get a little uncomfortable.

Hmmm...where is the couch in this photo?
In order to venture outside my comfort zone, I need someone to push me. I need a different kind of workout. One that keeps me guessing, and one that gives me support and accountability. I think I have found this in Better Body Fitness Boot Camps. I joined a few weeks back and while I haven't seen a huge change on the scale yet, I know that because I am not putting in the work. That stops now. I fell so far off the wagon a year ago that I can't even see it in the distance anymore. It's time to run my ass off to catch up to it, and then instead of jumping back on, I need to pull that sucker.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

My Name is...

...Slim Shady...but it's not. I could never pull off that nick name because while I might occasionally be "shady" (I'm really not that either), I have always struggled to be slim.

I've never blogged before so I don't know how to start. I guess I'll get right down to the nitty gritty and start from the beginning. My parents divorced when I was 4, and since my mom thought my dad had the better means to take care of us (well paying job, a mortgage, a dependable vehicle, etc.) she surrendered her custody rights. I know it was the hardest thing she could have possibly ever done, and while maybe it was the right decision (because we did have an amazing life),  there was always something missing. My parents both remarried within five years of the divorce, my dad to his secretary 10 years his junior, and my mom to an Oneida man she met at a Pow Wow (whom I believe to this day is the love of her life).

My dad maintained the great job and the wealthy lifestyle while my mom chose love, even if it meant living in a shack with dirt floors (practically). We really did have the best of both worlds: boating, 5 star hotels and restaurants and island vacations with my dad, and camping, fishing, rummaging, and road trips with my mom.

She didn't have a lot of money, but she knew how to love. My dad on the other hand had the money but struggled with the affection. Like most dads who have the well paying executive career, he wasn't home much. He missed most of the soccer games, choir concerts, and musicals that I was a part of, and he was never home for dinner, except occasionally on the weekends or 8:30 at night when children should be getting ready for bed, not dinner. My dad's idea of providing food for us came out of the freezer section at Sam's Club. Which meant, corn dogs, pizzas, breadsticks, mozzerella sticks, chicken pot pies, and ice cream. I'm not kidding you guys. Along with the boxes of cereal, the packages of sodium filled Ramen Noodles, and cans of ravioli, this was what was in the house for me to eat. And somehow my dad was shocked when I was overweight.

Complete with sunglasses around my neck (so I didn't lose them), 
a fanny pack, perm, AND a cup attached at my hip...
so I could be completely hands free...
don't judge...this was cool back then...(probably)

At about 175, I was always the heaviest in my group of friends in high school. Looking back, I would kill to be that weight again! But at the time, I remember feeling morbidly obese and horrible about myself. I always had great friends, and they never made me feel like I was fat or treated me any differently. But I always did. After highschool I gained another 25 pounds by eating unhealthy and drinking beer...

Family trip to Maui, Hawaii in December of 2002
...until I got a job at a day care. I spent 5 days a week with those kids, eating what they ate, running around on the playground with them, staying active in the gym with them when it was raining outside. And somehow, one day, I was 160 pounds! I didn't even try. It just melted away by eating healthier, and staying on my feet during the day. I had more energy, I was borrowing clothes from my skinny cousins that I lived with at the time. I. Was. HAPPY.

My dad's wedding in Maui, Hawaii in July of 2004.

And then the numbers at the day care dwindled and they no longer had a need for me full time. So I went to work as a waitress at one of the most popular restaurants in WI... they are popular for their deep fried foods, and amazing drinks. So guess what I started to eat and drink after my shifts. And pretty soon, during my shifts. A french fry here or there that falls off a plate, an occasional mozzarella stick or slice of pizza from mistakes. And slowly, my pants started getting tighter.  

At a Packer Game in September of 2006
Let me do the math for you...23 Months...
23 months is all it took for me to gain an entire person

Soon enough, I turned 21 and sat in a bar with friends all of the time after we closed the restaurant. I started dating a man who was 9 years my senior and who had a degree in culinary arts, guess what you guys, he liked to cook, and it wasn't healthy stuff. We were together for 3 years and we both got comfortable, so comfortable in fact, that we each gained about 60-65 pounds. Between the 2 of us we gained an entire healthy sized female adult. Sick, right?!

Beijing, China in June of 2010
I was scared of the food (apparently)
After we broke up I got back into the bar scene cause now I was independent, and free, and single! Only, my body processes alcohol the same way it processes giant pieces of cheesecake, and it all just kept piling on...until the scale hit 265 pounds. Yeah, 265...
I was MORBIDLY obese. I have a big frame (always had big hips, broad shoulders, etc) but I have always been a little bit into fashion so while it was obvious I was plus sized, I hid a lot of my fat and rolls with strategically placed clothing and flattering shirts. My friends would never believe me when I said 265...but who would lie about that! Right?!

Then I started dating Nate. Nate was a big boy, at over 350 pounds. But much to my surprise I found out that the previous year he was even larger and he lost about 145 pounds on a program called HCG. It sounded like a terrible way to lose weight (you only eat 500 calories a day, BUT your body is burning 2,500 a day, it's just taking it from your fat stores instead of what you consume) After a lot of research and talking to a doctor about it (learning it's pretty controversial) I decided to give it a try. I lost 30-35 pounds in 6 weeks on it (taking me to 210 pounds). And I was ECSTATIC!!!  I went down a few pants sizes and I started to be able to shop in actual stores in the mall. I cried the first time I was able to try on a dress from Maurices that I didn't take off the plus size rack.

My Step-Brothers Wedding, June 2012
In a size 16 dress ya'll!
Thanksgiving 2012 in NYC (200 lbs)

Cayman Islands May 2013 (197 lbs)
Cayman Islands May 2013 (197 lbs)
With Collar Bones Ya'll!!! 

When I was in the HCG program the directer always said, "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got". Well, I fell off the wagon, and started to do what I've always done, and guess what? I gained all of my weight a small child some...

New Orleans October 2014 (255 lbs)
Today I am 255 pounds and horrified....I always said when I got to one-derland that I would never go back...and guess what, I did...and it was easy. I know that I didn't keep it off because I didn't do the hard work to lose it... I didn't put in the hours in the gym and the sweat and the tears.

I'm sick of taking the easy way out, I am mortified of the excuses, and I am done being horrified and miserable when I look in the mirror.

So here's to finding my collar bones again!